


They Only Mean to Harm the Chefs

by bennylucerne



Category: Welcome to Night Vale
Genre: Benny hasn't had much sleep writing this, Living Shadows that hate Chefs, M/M, Shadows - Freeform, faux podcast, podcast style
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-27
Updated: 2013-07-27
Packaged: 2017-12-21 13:19:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,266
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/900760
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bennylucerne/pseuds/bennylucerne
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Do you ever get that feeling of as if something was crawling up your skin - on your leg, arm, back of the neck, forehead. Whenever you aren’t looking but have the feeling of movement...the feeling of something creeping along. Do not be alarmed dear listeners; these are simply the Living Shadows.</p>
            </blockquote>





	They Only Mean to Harm the Chefs

**Author's Note:**

> 4 hours of sleep in 3 days. Unbearable heat. This is the product. Forgive me.
> 
> Cross posted to my tumblr; @bennylucerne.tumblr.com

#  They Only Mean to Harm the Chefs 

The whole world flinches away from that that cannot be seen. There is the tiniest thread of fear when you stare into the darkness, desperately trying to see if there is anything moving, waiting, and watching.

Welcome to Night Vale.

Do you ever get that feeling of as if something was crawling up your skin - on your leg, arm, back of the neck, forehead. Whenever you aren’t looking but have the feeling of movement...the feeling of something creeping along. Do not be alarmed dear listeners; these are simply the Living Shadows.

Our City Council has already given us a statement – they said (all as one voice, a strong show of solidarity I thought) and I quote "We welcome the Living Shadows as the newest, wealthy and kind donors to the Government's campaign. Treat them as you would anyone else."  
While I agree completely with everything the Council says, I would like to add, please **don't** treat them as if they were from _Desert Bluffs_. Or as if they were Telly. Telly the terrible. Telly the twisted. Telly whom is still making a living giving hair-cuts to cactuses and please do pass that on to anyone who might need that service!  
I am so glad that we are getting more people moving into our quaint little burg. We love to welcome new people into the old fold, so long as they uphold the traditions.  
They do not, however, live in your house like the Faceless Woman or the spiders. These Shadows will just visit you every now and then. I have not been informed of where they _living_ , but I’m sure that as we get to know them, we will find out. Then all of us who have lived here a while can give them the customary welcoming to Night Vale.  
So yes, let us all welcome the prickling of our skin (because it reminds us we have skin to be prickled, dear listener!), and the not-quite fear that something is touching us because we can be safe knowing that not some **thing** is touching us, but _someone_.  
-  
Now, my dear darling listeners, friends and residents of this wonderful town, **beware**.  
As I'm sure most of you know we are currently in a heat-wave. Now I know, that we are all aware that we live in a desert that is always hot and dry, but we are hearing reports of record-breaking temperatures!  
Why just this morning, the most beautiful, smart and oh-so caring, town's favourite scientist Carlos phoned me up!  
I hear you listeners as you cry "What does this have to do with anything?" but alas my dears, it was not a personal call.  
No Carlos wanted to talk about how it would seem that the town has managed to reach a stunning 242°F! As much as I like science, Carlos lost me when he started talking about how human flesh should be suddenly burning at this temperature.  
I tried to tell him that it was a silly notion; here in Night Vale us citizens are more robust than other. All we know is the sun, sand and burning burning fire that lights up the mid-day sky.  
Poor Carlos ( _between you and I, dear friend listener, I think he's not used to the temperatures here and was getting a bit confused_ ) wanted to study this supposed phenomenon, but was too wary to go outside. I, being the caring and helpful person (and I was not using this as an excuse to bask in the glory that comes from watching Carlos work, or indeed just being close to him), have agreed to go to his lab on Main Street to help him with his experiments!  
Okay, so it was not a "personal" call, but I think I am right in saying that we are meeting up later and I just don't know what to wear! I've already worn my date-night best and we had such a special, wonderful and perfect first-date! I am slightly worried that it will be hard to (now don’t you even so much as blush at that, honestly dear listener what do you take me for) make our dates better! I mean I am happy to even spend time with him, I don’t even need to go on a date with him (but I am so very looking forward to all of our future dates) and oh –  
Oh my. Josie (not Old Woman Josie who talks to the Angels [whom still do not exist], but our newest intern-Josie) has just handed me an envelope from station management. Apparently I am spending too much time talking about Carlos and my personal lives.  
-  
Back to the earlier report on the Living Shadows. I have been getting words that the Living Shadows have holed up in Big Rico’s Pizza parlour. Of course, all citizens are welcome in the diner, but what seems to be worrying is that the Shadows are apparently fighting against the chefs there.  
As we all know, chefs are a force of evil that probably need a good culling every-so-often, but I do worry for our newest inhabitants. With the war against the miniature civilization under the Desert Flower Bowling Alley & Arcade Fun Complex and the slight infestation of rats with tentacles that has taken over the area surrounding the hospital, the Secret Police Force are spread thin. The Shadows and Chefs are on their own to battle it out.  
Which brings me to another joyous announcement - the Secret Police Force have said that with the sheer amount of work they are doing right now, all penalties for breaking laws are no longer in effect. That’s right folks – it’s not just Taurus’ that get a free pass!  
Of course if you break into someone’s house they are permitted to use lethal force. Also beware that some laws will always be laws and the less said the better...The Dog Park, for example.  
Please be careful if you go to Rico’s for your mandated pizza-slice as there seems to be a horrific blood-bath happening there.  
At this moment in time (and also in the past, but the future has yet to be confirmed) we only have a confirmed eight fatalities – five chefs and three civilians. As the Living Shadows are non-corporeal we are not sure if they can actually be killed.  
More on this later in the broadcast (or whenever I am next updated on the situation!)~  
-  
And now for the traffic update. Well let’s see here...Oh my, this is unexpected; it seems that while cars were brought back into existence last week, they have all been replaced by heavily-armoured tanks. This, of course, caused havoc on Main Street. The pile up has not been fixed, so it would be advisable for everyone to walk or jet-propel themselves to their destinations.  
Also be wary of the cracks of the pavements – it is possible that they are swallowing people. This is unconfirmed at this moment, but highly probable.  
-  
This is a message from one of our sponsors.

I lay.  
Forsaken body unmoving,  
dead eyes unseeing.  
But my hand - it should move.  
The hand that will not move.  
The hand that will not obey.  
It just lays there white,  
unmoving.

I cry.  
Closed eyes burning,  
cold lips tingling  
But my heart – it should not stop.  
The heart that will stop.  
The heart that will not beat.  
It is just a matter of time,  
undeniable.

I die,  
Hated breath stopping,  
Despicable brain failing.  
But my mind – It will sleep  
The mind that will sleep.  
The mind that will not pass on.  
It will just fade away,  
unaware.

For the poor few that feel pain, why not drug yourself on Aspirin? You can loose and arm and not feel a thing! Found at all reliable superstores or just whisper your request to a handy oxen heart.  
-  
John Peters – you know, the farmer? He is reporting that the crop is going extremely well this year! We are sure in for a treat come harvest time it seems, and _I_ am certainly looking forward to that first bite of imaginary corn.  
He is glad to announce that the tentacle-rats did **not** make their way to his crop fields. The rats are, of course, still surrounding the hospital so if you have a grievous injury or wish to go to any of the special-treatment wards, the Doctors are suggesting either braving the swarms (but that runs the possibility of being mauled) or just putting a damp cloth of the afflicted area.  
If you have any concerns about the tentacle-rats, please get in contact with the Sheriff’s Secret Police through the usual channels. The SSP are trying their best to kill the tentacle-rats, but until they replace the gasoline canisters, their flamer-throwers are out of commission and the tentacle-rats would appear to have the upper-hand for the moment.  
-  
Now you should know that I pride myself on my professionalism here at the studio, but gosh Carlos just sent me the most (metaphorically) heart-swelling text! He said, and I quote this directly dear listener, “I want to spend more time with you When you come by later, we could go out for dinner? I’d still like to run some tests, but spending time with you is more important would be really welcome cool neat nice. If you’re not busy.”  
Oh words would fail me if I was not on air! I know I said yesterday that the malfunctioning electronics was annoying, but to see all of what Carlos honestly wanted to say has made me feel so much better.  
I know I seem fairly confident on radio, but around the perfect Carlos I can rather embarrass myself (see “neat”). I would never want to talk down upon or insult anyone (bar _some_ ) and I am not making fun of sweet Carlos, but in fact happy that he can be as nervous as me!  
Okay, enough about me. I will say no more about my up-coming date (and it is a date now!) until after the event!  
-  
Oh dear. This is not good news I am afraid. I really hope you have already had your weekly-mandated pizza at Big Rico’s, as I am sad to announce the bloody war between the chefs and Night Vales latest citizens the Living Shadows has come to an end.  
The Shadows have emerged victorious from the restaurant and it has been indicated that all chefs are dead.  
While I am unaware (rather thankfully to be honest) of the exact details of what went down inside the restaurant, the final death-toll is currently being counted as fifteen.  
Big Rico’s has (understandably) closed down for the unforeseeable future. We have not had any comments from Rico’s as to if they will be open again in time for next week’s mandatory slice, but I will keep you informed of any development!  
The Sheriff’s Secret Police have already issued a statement that they will not be arresting the Shadows, despite their blatant crimes. The SSP continued that “Even if we were going to, how would you lock up a shadow? It just isn’t possible.”  
Speculators and opponents have criticised this move as just an attempt to ensure the backing of the Shadows.  
The Sheriff’s department and the Government have both released statements confirming this accusation. I for one am glad of how open our authorities are with the public; they are not afraid to tell us exactly what they are doing. This is the sort of truthfulness that keeps me happy with the way things are run around here.  
I have been told that the Shadows have left the restaurant and have returned to where-ever it is they go when non-corporeal.  
That being said, I want to give my most sincere condolences to the families of the recently-departed chefs and poor innocent bystanders. They will never leave our memories and I’m sure Rico’s will never be the same without them.  
In other news...Big Rico’s is now hiring chefs! Are you an aspiring cook? Do you like working 27/7? Come and work for Big Rico’s Pizza place...It’s almost law!  
-  
Well would you look at this? We seem to be running a bit longer than normal faithful listeners! While I know _we_ are more than happy to continue nattering on, I wouldn’t want to deprive the next show of a full three hours of uninterrupted and unexplainable whale-like noises.  
There is, of course, enough time for the weather. Listen carefully, because if dear sweet Carlos is right, we all need to pay attention.  
-  
As always, my beautiful Night Vale, I am sorry to have to say goodbye. I am sorry that I have had to be the one to deliver the sad news to the majority to you of the events of the day.  
But yet I find myself looking for the good in the sad. Yes, we may have lost a number of faithful citizens, but we have in fact, gained more today! Life always seems to find a way. Through the tragedy we may take solace in that we can forge new friendships and relationships that, while not replacing the old ones, will help to fill the void left by them.  
So as you sleep tonight, wrapped in the embrace of a loved one, or just dreaming of them, know that the future is still there and who knows what tomorrow will bring.  
I know I have much to look forward to tonight and I hope that might tide you over until the morning.  
Good night listeners, good night.


End file.
